Harlem & Jill

 「當我們注視一朵花時，我們會問：『是誰在盛開？』 深觀這個問題，就能碰觸到無相。

 仔細想想， 我們所說的每一句話都是在對自己講。我們所做的每一個反應都是對自己的反應。不是嗎？ 心中產生了印象、認知，然後對那個印象和認知發生反應，採取行動應對，終究是在回應自己的心。

 「作為一名修行人，我們的目標並非賺很多錢，而是轉化自己內心的痛苦，活在平靜和幸福之中。當我們看到家人及朋友幸福，我們的幸福會成倍增長。這種收穫不需要等待十年，現在馬上就可以獲益。」 this is not the exact quote from a book from Thich Nhat Hanh, but I find it more resonate to me this way. This is like a reminder, a bell of mindfulness, calling me back to my awareness of the right path.  We all know what is the right thing to do and what is the right mindset to keep, but sometimes forgetfulness has us and we lose our direction.  The light of wisdom is always within ourselves like the moonshine in the sky. all we have to do is to stop and listen. With enough clarity, The road will show itself to us naturally. #Jill

 I have gotten a few questions on my mind. The first one came earlier as I was trying to practice, mindful breathing. The question is, Why should we be mindful and pay attention to our breath when it works so well automatically. Heaven, human species evolved such a long way to make breath automatic? Even when I’m not aware of it, it works so perfectly. So why do I have to be mindful of my breath?  And somehow, I have preliminary answer to it. Being mindful of our breath is not for breathing better. Breath is the lifeline for us to come back to the present moment. it is the lifebuoy we can cling onto in order to save ourselves from hell, from the traumatized the past and from the worrisome future. it’s wonderful that we can always have this lifeline with us. as long as we are a life. We will still have a breath that can save ourselves at any time. so being mindful of our breath is not for breath itself, but for curing our mind and bringing us back to the hearing now The second ...

There was a time when I had this question on my mind: If there are countless after lives, meaning we will come back again and again, until an infinite future, why do we have to practice diligently this life?  Why can’t we just play around and have fun this life and then in one of our after lives, we start to practice. It will never be too late because we will have infinite after lives.  But as I learn more and more about mindfulness practice, I realize that Buddhism practice is not for reaching an ultimate goal to become enlightened. Mindfulness practice is to become happy, and to reduce suffering.  So why do we have to wait until future lives to start becoming happy when we can become happy right here and right now? you can be happy right here and right now and when you do that, you are enlightened, you are a Buddha. # Jill Yang

Sometimes I come up with my own 公案, a philosophical dialogue or question to contemplate. This is a recent one: Master: The Buddha is not confined to his skin. He is everywhere. So if you only see the Buddha as someone in a physical body, you are wrong. The Buddha is present in the entire universe. Student: Dear Master, why do you say the Buddha is everywhere in the universe? I can't see how the Buddha can be found in the farthest star or at a time before the Buddha Shakyamuni. Master: What Buddha? This came to me after I listened to a Dharma talk from Thich Nhat Hanh on "there is action but no actor". Whenever we wonder "who" is doing "what", "when" and "where", we are caught in the wrong perceptions and are blinded by wrong questions. It's like asking "where is the parallel universe?" That's a false question because space and location are in the universe, not the universe is in the space. And this also came to me ...

I just read about a news article showing a poll that says 6 in 10 U.S. adults support protecting the rights of embryos to some degree. It mentioned a court ruling in Alabama state, which says embryos, even fertilized outside the womb, have equal rights as humans do. This ruling almost forced IVF treatment centers in Alabama to halt operation because if embryos are indeed humans, they are basically killing hundreds of lives every year as they dispose unused embryos!  Absurd as the "embryo equals human" argument seems at first glance, it actually leads to a deeper, philosophical question: when does life begin, and when does it end? According to the same poll, 3 in 10 Americans believe the statement: "human life begins at conception," which sounds perfectly logical. But when put into legal context, not so much. The Article 7 of the Civil Code of Taiwan stipulates that " An unborn child is considered as if it were already born with regard to its interests, except ...

  【聖嚴法師 心靈環保法與】 慈悲沒有敵人，智慧不起煩惱 Compassion has no enemy, wisdom gives rise to no affliction -- Master Sheng Yen 佛教中有「結緣」的說法，意思就是人與人之間彼此支持、協助，共同走上良善、光明的道路。 Buddhism speaks about "cultivating positive connection," meaning you and I support and help each other so that we can walk on the righteous and bright path together. 「慈悲沒有敵人，智慧不起煩惱」，慈悲的對象，除了慈悲別人，也要慈悲自己。因為不慈悲自己，會讓自己很痛苦。例如，有的人不肯原諒自己，於是就傷害自己。其實做錯事，改過就好，若是不斷責罰自己，就會一直陷在痛苦之中，這就是對自己不慈悲了。對別人也是一樣，如果態度不慈悲，可能就會一再地傷害他人。 In the quote "Compassion has no enemy, wisdom gives rise to no affliction, " we should not only have compassion toward others but also toward ourselves. Without self-compassion, life can be very painful. For example, if one doesn't know how to forgive oneself, they might end up punishing themselves. But the right way to deal with a mistake is to correct it, constantly reproach oneself and remain trapped in suffering . This is a form of self-cruelty. Similarly, if we are not compassionate in our attitude towa...

I have some questions about mindfulness and concentration.  In the teachings, Thay says we should practice mindfulness in our daily lives and be aware of everything happening at this moment. But we are often doing multiple things simultaneously. For example, if I am washing the dishes, I am also breathing, seeing the splashes, and hearing the sounds of the water. With multiple perceptions and feelings at the same time, which one should we be mindful of? In one of the mindfulness practices Thay taught us, he says we can practice listening to music with mindfulness. This means being mindful of the music and the melodies while also aware of our breath. But shouldn't we focus on one thing at a time? How can we be mindful of multiple things simultaneously? When we are concentrated, do we remain mindful and aware of what is happening? For example, if I am listening to a Dharma talk, should I be aware of the words being said or the fact that I am listening to a talk from this Zen master a...

  語言有很強大的力量。 佛陀說的karma是身、口、意。 因為語言可以大量被複製和流傳， 而導致資訊爆發（現在還講資訊爆發好像倒退20年，早就沒有人還在意資訊爆發了）。 所有不正的語言都源自不正的見。 當我說：你所看的所有影片、讀的所有文章，都是別人挑選過編輯過加工過的，有目的的。 更深切的事實是，我們的大腦的作用方式，本來就是把perception與既有的記憶分類結合， 並把事物貼上標籤，以毫秒的速度把世界加工後呈現為feelings & mental formations 痛苦？ 真的有痛苦嗎？ ‘我’不過是一堆地水火風而已，地水火風有痛苦嗎？ ‘有苦’是我們的想像、認知，‘有樂’也是我們的想像、認知。 那我們還費盡心思地創造了 永樂的天堂、永苦的地獄。

成佛有什麼用？What is the use of becoming a Buddha? This is a rhetorical question often asked by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. We always have the presumption that life is for a purpose and every thing we do should contribute to that purpose, otherwise it's useless. This ubiquitous utilitarianism dominates our modern society. It's so deep and prevalent that we can't even recognize we are acting under its influence. I was reading the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh this week. He emphasizes on being mindful of one's breath, body movements, feelings and emotions a lot. That means we should be aware of our in breath and out breath at every moment, even when we are doing our work or talking to somebody.  While I seem to know what he's saying, I don't really understand why we should do that? Why should we be aware of our breath when it goes so well automatically? Why do we bother to mind it if human beings have evolved such a long way to make our ...

Words can travel thousands of miles. May my words create mutual understanding and love. May they be as beautiful as gems, as lovely as flowers. Hello, welcome back to this podcast. I'm Jill. Today, I want to share a topic called happiness or suffering, you may want to think again. We all want crave happiness and we all want try to avoid suffering. But have you ever thought about what really is happiness truly considered what happiness really means ? What makes us happy truly brings us joy and what makes us suffer causes us pain ?

2023/9/25 哀...要多少時間才有勇氣寫下這篇... 大出血後，第6週回診照超音波胚胎還在，有微弱心跳徵兆(64 BPM)，隔週再去，卻怎麼也照不到了。那一整個禮拜什麼異狀都沒有，沒有出門，沒有不舒服，沒有任何事情，他就靜靜地停止了。 那天老公也陪我一起進診間。一開始超音波師照腹部超音波，看了異常的久，又說要改照陰道超音波，再照了很久，然後說要請主治醫師來照。當下我已經感受到氣氛凝重。賴醫師進來照陰超，看著0.5公分的胚芽沒在閃爍，嘆了一口氣，然後說：我們先下床吧，等等再討論。 我和老公都說不出話。 我腦中也是一片空白，或是說一片混亂？ 怎麼會這樣呢？我什麼都沒做啊？胚胎有做基因檢查（PGS），著床時間也有做ERA檢查，持續監測賀爾蒙和血栓都是正常範圍，腫瘤壞死因子也控制住，實在沒有可知的原因，會導致萎縮性囊胚... 真的有點失魂落魄... 隔天晚上我不死心，再去家附近的雷世陽婦產科照一遍，跟醫師說明是試管嬰兒，昨天發現沒心跳，但是想要再確認一遍，醫師很諒解，只是喚不回奇蹟，胚胎依舊靜止在那兒。 難過、哀傷像海洋一樣包覆、拍打著，失望一波一波襲來，感覺快要窒息。 隔一週後，再去送子鳥，但這次是為了人工流產手術。 所有檢測都是正常，卻還是失敗，我覺得醫生也很頭痛。想必他經常面對病人植入失敗的情形，不過不論遇到多少次，應該都還是會覺得沉重。 醫生鼓勵我們，我們還很年輕，不用緊張，有的是機會。我相信如此，只是必須先走過這次的傷痛，而且不要留下陰影。 流產手術後必須休養三個月，才能再植入。 我決定訂一個禮拜的月子餐，跟公司請假，再搭上雙十節，坐個7天的小月子，好好休息調養，至少把子宮補好。（雖然我手術後沒有任何不舒服） 每個人都說：放輕鬆~自然就會有了。但是也許我們真的不知道要怎麼放輕鬆？尤其是身體檢查一項都沒有問題，從頭到尾都沒有真的不舒服，不痛不癢不吐不暈，要我從哪邊放得更輕鬆？ 有一位美國媽媽在Reddit分享自己植入失敗後休息，休息期間完全沒考慮會自然懷孕（因為覺得不可能），還開始抽電子菸、喝酒、抽大麻，甚至還吃迷幻蘑菇，結果卻意外受孕了 😂 也許真的直到有一天，我和哈林（老公）都覺得算了、放棄了，寶寶才會降臨？ 人生幹嘛這麼難 😭

 2023/9/17 試管嬰兒的懷孕週數計算方法跟自然受孕有點不同。 自然受孕就是從最後一次月經來第一天開始算。 試管嬰兒的話就把植入的那一天當第14天，再加上胚胎的天數。 例如我是8/24植入 培養5天的胚胎，那8/24那天就是懷孕第14+5=第19天。 這麼算起來的話今天已經滿6週了，還沒有任何孕吐的症狀，也沒有脹乳，嘴巴也沒有怪味，這樣正常嗎？老是很擔心會不會又是胚胎停止生長，hCG沒有再升高了...>"< 雖然網路上的資料都說有20~30%的幸運兒不會孕吐，但又有資料說不孕吐的話流產機率比較高。但願是因為肚子裡有天使寶寶讓我不會孕吐！ 還要撐到下禮拜二才會回診，每天都只能提心吊膽無法感覺胚胎有沒有好好長大，實在很煎熬啊~~上次醫生說超音波可以看到胚囊之後，就不會再測hCG了，禮拜二就是6W3D了，希望可以照到一個健康的胚胎（跟心跳）！ 自從大出血之後，這幾天已經沒有再流髒血出來，不過分泌物變多，顏色米黃，稍有異味，恐怕是有感染。聽說因為懷孕後賀爾蒙劇烈變化，黃體素激增，會導致免疫力下降，所以更容易感染。但是有些感染情形可能會造成流產風險！不知道禮拜二能不能順便檢查😨

 2023/9/13 凌晨12點突然大出血，鮮紅色的血不斷狂噴出來，瞬間流出3塊衛生棉的血量外加滴到整個浴室地板都是血。 我一直都是遇到緊急狀況會特別冷靜的人，立刻拿出送子鳥的早孕藥袋（急救包），打黃體油針、吃止血藥。 但過了一小時，血好像還是再流，老公受不了，決定載我去亞東醫院急診。 急診婦產科照了超音波（但醫術有點...照不太清楚），又補打一支止血針（Transamin），折騰完回家已經三點。 隔天早上七點半立馬出門衝去送子鳥回診，李醫師照腹部超音波，很快就看到胚囊（我心OS：還好還在QQ，還好是在子宮裡面不是子宮外孕QQ） 血流好像已經比較止住了，也沒有鮮紅色的血，剩咖啡色。 後來抽血等報告，看診的時候指數都正常，因為有打黃體油針所以黃體素也很高。 醫生說，胚胎有做過PGS檢查所以應該不是基因有問題，可能是胚胎著床到子宮內膜入侵血管導致出血，加上抗血栓藥愛栓通之前打的劑量比較重，凝血慢，所以出血不止。後續先降低愛栓通劑量，觀察一下，下週二再檢查。 亞東醫院的醫生建議這幾天盡量臥床，減少腹部壓力，所以我開始沒事就躺著...

 左下腹突然單邊抽痛，位置又離股溝有點遠，大概肚臍左下方5公分處， 似乎不像子宮圓韌帶抽痛... 有的文章說那個位置痛有可能是子宮外孕，想著想著越來越可怕， 植入到現在子宮都沒有什麼感覺，乳房也沒有脹痛，雖然hCG值可能有到， 但是子宮外孕其中一種判定法是：「hCG超過1500，子宮超音波卻照無胎兒」 而且人工植入胚胎生殖，子宮外孕的機率竟然比自然受孕子宮外孕機率還要高， 單邊下腹抽痛也是判斷重點之一...也太可怕了吧 >"< 馬上傳line問送子鳥要不要做額外的檢查，因為明天本來就要去抽血，看是不是要順便檢查一下讓我安心？ QQ

 第7天測量hCG 是71， 第9天再量一次，確保胚胎的成長有在正常曲線，並且再補打一支生物製劑（兩週打一次），上次打復邁（Humira）對我效果好像沒那麼好，這次改打欣膝亞（Cimzia）。第9天測到的hCG有比第7天多2.8倍，醫生說數字不錯，代表這次的治療有效！ 禮拜五（植入後第15天）再放榜一次 >”< 第8天開始到現在都沒有任何症狀，夜尿持續，便秘持續，想睡持續😆 但讓我發現了天然的解便神器：黑棗汁！ 網路上有看到其他孕婦也在討論喝黑棗汁，藥局可以買到，我也順便問藥師懷孕可不可以喝，藥師說可以少量嘗試，一瓶分多次喝。 結果我大概喝100 c.c就超有感 😂 這幾天也比較敢騎機車和拿東西了，因為身體真的沒什麼感覺，hCG也稍微放心。 不過體重降了1～2公斤，應該是肌肉嚴重流失？😭 半個月完全沒運動，肉變軟軟的，肚子有點大，不知道是宿便還是肥肉 😂 

 植入第7天 今天除了很想睡覺，還是沒有什麼感覺~ 看網友都說腹痛、抽痛、乳房脹痛、乳房出現白點之類的，我一個都沒有 😱 而且體溫好像降低了（沒有量基礎體溫，只是單純身體感覺）， 結果google文章，發現有一種東西叫作「著床降溫」： 在體溫偏高的黃體期期間，若其中一天（通常會在排卵後第6-10天）突然出現體溫下降約0.5度的狀況，隔天又明顯升高，這個降溫現象稱之為「著床降溫」# 資料來源 。 一整天都坐立難安無法專心， 等一下就要去診所抽血了，真的很怕會像上次一樣胚胎不明原因停止生長 😭 我在Chrome瀏覽器裝了Plum Village 的mindfulness bell extension, 每15分鐘提醒我回到呼吸、回到當下，多少對安定心神有點幫助。 希望等一下可以有好的結果！

植入第四天 植入第四天回診所抽血驗懷孕指數跟其他一些免疫什麼的...項目很多記不起來。Anyway，hCG指數落在正常範圍，確定有著床，但醫生說不代表胚胎在子宮內不會受到攻擊 😭 三天後再回去抽血驗一次，看看是不是有好好生長。 植入後到第四天幾乎都沒有任何症狀，除了因為一直在吃黃體素每天很想睡覺外加消化不良。 但是肚子完全沒感覺也是很令人焦慮，一直google「植入後沒有感覺」XD 好吧，很多人都說這是正常的，沒感覺是好現象。

植入當天 這是第二次植入，第一次植入胚胎雖然一切檢查全部正常，但不知為何原因胚胎只有淺著床，然後停止發育自然流掉了...QQ 這次植入醫院調整了兩個地方，醫生說雖然血栓數值不高，但不代表胚胎可以忍受，因此再增加抗血栓藥的量（我打愛栓通Arixtra），另外腫瘤壞死因子（TNF-Tumor necrosis factor）也可能誤判，所以保險起見也打了一劑復邁（Humira）。